“Because you could maybe judge me..?”
It hit me hard when my girlfriend said these words. In my mind the only words that show are, “how could I ever judge her?”
It was during a conversation about weight when she uttered those words. I never even considered the possibility of judging her about anything. In fact, I am more scared about her judging me. As while she may be overweight, I am actually underweight and short for my age.
As you could read on the “about me” page written by my dad, under the part “family” — I have the condition of cystic fibrosis. A lot of people tend to know about the mucus and lung problems, but not about the nutritional part of it.
It’s that which I am ashamed about most. I am able to speak openly about things like the nausea and vomiting caused by my cyclic vomiting syndrome. I am even able to be open about how I frequently go to the toilet to avoid possibly peeing my pants due to my lacking bladder control linked to my Heller’s syndrome. But about what CF causes to me – no.
I am well-aware that for most people it seems more likely to worry about being overweight. However when you are smaller in height than your girlfriend… Undeniably I am ashamed about it. It feels like the ending of the music video for the song “Да да да” by “Tanir & Tyomcha” – I am not to what most would expect of me. It is why I feel very lucky that my girlfriend does in fact like me for the way I am.
It’s to me the saddest part of our society – we are all so scared of being judged. And our responses to this fear is different. I am the kind of person who closes down and hides. The nickname of “mouse” which I have is not there without any reason. But there are many more who go around judging others instead.
Nobody is perfect – not me and not you. Perfection doesn’t truly exist. Same as how “normal” doesn’t exist either. There’s no normal person because every person is different and amazing in their own way. Our looks and beliefs only define who we are but don’t say anything beyond this. They don’t make you more or less. They just make you who you are. If only our society would realize this fact, we would be having all a much better life…
Son of this blog’s owner Vadim. Adopted. Russian by birth. Diagnosed with Heller’s syndrome, cystic fibrosis, cyclic vomiting syndrome and dependent personality disorder. Speaks Russian, English, German, Polish and Korean.